but my self-criticism got stronger too
While I would describe myself as a person who likes moving my body, for most of my life (except for the disordered eating years), I was never into going to the gym.
The most you’d find me at is yoga, hot yoga or ecstatic dance.
Then, I had a friend, Olga, who invited me to join her Personal Training sessions online.
I said yes.
I LOVED it!
So many new and intriguing things to do with my body and just with two 5kg weights!
I could really see the effect: after a few days it was easier to lift up off the couch and my butt looked more ‘up’ too.
Work outs = lots of ‘up’.
The whole process got me super into lifting metal and getting red-cheeked, even on my own.
So when I began going to the local gym by myself without Olga and the PT, something became very obvious.
The gym is full of people who are checking themselves out and checking out everyone else.
All those mirrors, all that tight clothing and benchmarks, so to speak.
There’s a lot of ‘assessment’ going on.
And I began to assess myself too.
It became not just working out, it had tinges of “am I good enough?”
So while my body was working out, my mind was not.
My mind was in assessment-land too.
After a few sessions like this, going to the gym started to take more energy than it gave.
I didn’t like it.
So I started turning toward those ‘beauty standards’ parts in me, the parts who criticize and judge.
Having been a model and recovered from disordered eating, these are familiar parts.
(I don’t have those struggles anymore, but if I feed those capacities in me, they start singing a similar tune.)
Turning toward those parts, I could see they were trying to assist me with belonging, acceptance and confidence.
Fit in
Be accepted
Get positive attention
But they were also hooked on beliefs that I don’t want running my world.
So I gently went inside to first feel them in my body. Their sensation: a pit in my heart, hypervigilance, wide eyes.
I felt them and I let them feel ME there with them in the gym.
When they could feel ME, my Self, they could let go of having to protect me like that and feel me as the protection, not the acceptance via self-assessment.
Each time, the self-assessing parts soften back and relaxed.
Sometimes they don’t pop up much, but when they do, I just meet them, take a breath and let them feel me again.
I’m here, I’ve got you. You belong. I accept you as you are. Can you feel me here with you?
My gym memberships have come and gone since then and recently have been re-instated!
And the gym becomes more UP in even better ways.
If you’d like to learn these IFS tools and deepen your connection with Self, join me for my upcoming FREE IFS-informed Masterclass: What’s underneath overthinking? How to trust yourself in the unknown
In this Internal Family Systems (IFS)-informed masterclass, you’ll get to know the part of you that needs to figure everything out, understand what it might be protecting you from, and learn how to relate to it differently so you can find more clarity, ease and trust in yourself.
FREE · 90 minutes · Online · Replay available
When + Where?
We’re meeting on Substack Live.
Choose the time that suits you:
Thursday 1 October
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OR
7pm EU / 1pm ET / 10am PT
FREE.
If you’re interested in getting deep IFS support for whatever’s bubbling for you now, check out the upcoming WHOLE SELF IFS-informed 6-week Group Coaching series starting 20 October.
Small groups, limited spaces.
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