(+ why parts don’t budge, even if you want them to)
You’re human.
Which means you can have many different parts of yourself feeling different things at the same time.
A simple question like “How are you?” can be so hard to answer…
Because you may have a part that’s really chuffed with how nicely the house renovations are coming along. You’re grateful that you can now watch the birds splashing in the birdbath from your bed…
AND you may also have a part that’s criticising you relentlessly.
You may have a crack-up jokester part that loves making people laugh…
AND an underlying sadness that another part tries to numb out with Netflix.
And then there are the parts that can feel a little more crunchy…
The part that gets anxious or perfectionistic (nothing is EVER quite right).
The part that overthinks and never lets you exhale
The part that lashes out in anger (so no one can get too close).
The part that shuts you down in depression or collapse (it feels much simpler to stay in bed).
Then there’s an inner conflict because there are a bunch of parts that really don’t like ☝️ those ☝️ parts. 🙅🏽♀️🚫
They want you to get on with life! Enjoy your relationships. Get your work done. Feel good about yourself. Maybe even enjoy watching those birds without your inner critic providing a running commentary.
Because it’s not just that you have parts that struggle. You also have parts that struggle with the parts that struggle.
Psychotherapists and practitioners across the wellbeing field have discovered another way to relate to it all, one that actually CREATES space and movement in the direction of wellbeing.
It’s something Dick Schwartz brought in through Internal Family Systems:
All parts within you (even the addictive, anxious or shut down parts) are trying to protect you in the way they know how, even when that strategy is causing you pain in some way.
For example,
The inner critic… may be trying to protect you from failure, rejection or shame by pushing you to stay acceptable and safe. I’ll criticise you before anyone else does.
Numbing + distraction… may be trying to give you relief from pain or overwhelm when feeling everything seems too much. A kind of anaesthetic.
Anxiety + perfectionism… may be trying to prevent danger or mistakes by keeping you vigilant and in control. Map it all out, colour inside the lines.
Anger + lashing out… may be trying to protect you from hurt or vulnerability by creating distance or strength. If they’re not near and I feel strong, they can’t hurt me.
Depression + collapse… may be trying to keep you safe by shutting things down when life feels too overwhelming or risky. Nothing can happen when nothing is happening, right?
From an Internal Family Systems view, “there are no bad parts”, just protective strategies, often formed under pressure, trauma or very difficult circumstances.
These parts got forced into these roles long ago when there seemed like no other options. And they stayed there.
Understanding that there are “no bad parts” matters because it helps to STOP treating parts as enemies (you get out of the inner war + “what you resist persists” trap).
By approaching them with curiosity, the protective strategies soften and they get on board with you.
So, you go from “Which part of me is broken?” to “What is this part protecting, and what does it need?”
Internal Family System has some important keys to do this work, which once you experience and learn them, you can practice these keys forever (and share them with your kids, partner, family, colleagues..).
If you’d like to learn these IFS tools and deepen your connection with Self, join me for my upcoming FREE IFS-informed Masterclass: What’s underneath overthinking? How to trust yourself in the unknown
In this Internal Family Systems (IFS)-informed masterclass, you’ll get to know the part of you that needs to figure everything out, understand what it might be protecting you from, and learn how to relate to it differently so you can find more clarity, ease and trust in yourself.
FREE · 90 minutes · Online · Replay available
When + Where?
We’re meeting on Substack Live.
Choose the time that suits you:
Thursday 1 October
10am EU / 10am SA / 6pm AEST / 9pm NZ
OR
7pm EU / 1pm ET / 10am PT
FREE.
If you’re interested in getting deep IFS support for whatever’s bubbling for you now, check out the upcoming WHOLE SELF IFS-informed 6-week Group Coaching series starting 20 October.
Small groups, limited spaces.
Pre-sale is available now, so check it out!
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