In the beginning.. there was an acting class
my accidental therapy
After growing up in a devout Christian home, I reached a point where I wanted freedom. To be myself.
It started in London and ended with me having a break up with God.
At the time, I’d conflated spirituality with religion (I didn’t know they were different).
And in trying to step out of religion, I lost connection to all of it.
I already had a lot of unfinished business from childhood bubbling in me, so already I wasn’t feeling great. But now, was all on *me* (minus my soul, because I didn’t believe in such things) to make this work.
As in, stay alive and be happy.
*Life takes a deep breath*
I started to rely heavily on what I thought I could control: how I look, what I achieve, how adored I am by others.
With life-or-death attention, my protective mechanisms got to work on being beautiful, successful and liked.
Yes, ma’am! 🫡
I was a 45kg model with straight As and straight teeth.
[frankie cover]
But my soul wasn’t doing so well.
Clinical anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia and disordered eating were taking hold.
I had no idea. I just started feeling bad.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
But also when the patient is ready, the medicine can appear.
If you asked me, how is your mental health? I would have said fine and puzzled at your boring question. I had no idea that burning hole in my heart was anxiety, nor did I clock the severe self-criticism was overkill.
I had no interest in healing and definitely not spirituality. What for?
But the suffering was getting extreme, so the medicine had to be clever.
It coudn’t be ‘spiritual’.
It had to be fun and daring.
It had be something that I thought was useful.
*Life tips its hat*
My modelling agent suggested I try acting. I could also start doing commercials… That’s way more fun.
So at age 21, I started Ren’s Sunday acting classes in Balmoral, Auckland. (Ren was in the Matrix!)
*Life winks*
Each week, sixteen of us experimented with scripts, but actually met ourselves more deeply.
We did warm up games that for the first tme put me in my body.
Opened up my spontaneity and trust in being now, not in control.
Opened me to ‘characters’ that allowed me to let out parts of myself no one had ever permitted before.
Brought me to real and raw intimacy (into-me-you-see) with — and in front of — people.
Accepted myself (and being accepted by others) when the scene doesn’t go so well. We just try again….
Encouraged the full range of who I am as a human — light and dark. Even giving me ‘Bravo! Yes! More!’ as I let out the darkest, saddest, naughtiest, or brightest parts of myself. Nothing was too human.
Loosened up ‘who I think I am’ and ‘who I think I should be’, to find 1,001 other Caitlyns inside myself…
I didn’t realise this acting class would be ‘therapy’ in disguise.
*Life smirks*
From that point on, rigid structures in me began loosening up. Re-coding me.
Everything has a beginning. That was my start of transformation.
I did do some commercials. [link]
It was fun!!
But indeed, I did need some professional support and Life again found a way to give me the next step: a boyfriend in Wellington who introduced me to Mindfulness Therapy.
*Life bows with a hand flurrow*
And things continued from there… Which then lead to psychodrama, Tantra, ISTA, Bwiti and iboga, somatic trauma resolution, IFS…
Step by step.
Things have changed.
It has taken TIME.
Patience.
Persistence.
Gentleness.
It’s also involved me losing my shit and getting back in the driver’s seat.
*Life kindly stares at me in the eyes*
And I continue.
Hey Life, what do you have for me next?
*...*
I once met a man who told me spear fishing was his first therapy. It comes in all shapes,
The healing journey has many, many forms. It will find you because Life is clever. Let yourself be drawn to where your heart takes you. There’s Life there.
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