depressed. watching star wars.
Back in the day, i suffered from clinical acute anxiety and depression.
I went on medication for a short time to help manage the symptoms (feeling like shit warmed up, severe cramps, a racing and brutal mind) and actually be functional at work (which at the time was a policy analyst role for the Ministry of Justice in New Zealand — it was not lighting me up).
Oh, and I had disordered eating (a blend of anorexia and bulimia).
With some mindfulness therapy and sacred sexuality workshops, a big part of this pain was healed.
But there was still some of the root of the pain hanging on…
And so, while not as strong, new anxiety and depression symptoms surfaced, wanting my attention.
Meeting this has been a big part of my journey for the last 13 years.
Some time back in Gabon I had a solid 3-week spell of depression.
Rather than resisting this tidal wave with affirmations or the ‘right’ spiritual practices, I consciously let myself go with it, observing myself.
I could do nothing else but stay in my comfortablest pyjamas, lie in bed and watch Star Wars (in order of the episode, obviously).
I cleared my schedule so nothing interfered between me and Darth.
Sometimes I got up to make tea, done in slow motion.
And lay in a little-bit-too-small hot bath while watching the light on the wall.
🫠
Knowing I don’t have to figure out or carry all my stuff myself, I scheduled a session with my IFS therapist.
I told her about the depression and the Star Wars.
She nodded. I get it. Do you want to look into this? she asked.
Let’s, I said with a deep breath.
We went in and I let myself feel it. Really feel the depression.
It felt like I was floating close to the bottom of a dark slow-moving ocean. It was simple, quiet, gently still down there. It felt relaxing. There’s nothing to ‘do’ when you’re at the bottom of an ocean…
The depression was literally taking the weight off my shoulders.
I let myself hang out there in the suspending currents of this dim ocean.
A breath. Floating. Float-ingggg. Another breath. A long sigh.
I asked the depression what it was afraid would happen if it wasn’t doing it’s job.
I would feel too much. It would be overwhelming. It would feel bad. Too bad.
The depression was trying to save me from feeling too much — literally depressing my feelings.
The depressive part was forced into this extreme role to help me, in the way that it knew how.
Only it was depressing ALL my feelings, not just the ones it thought were scary.
(You can’t numb only pain — you numb the pleasure too.)
I felt so much compassion for the depression. Even gratitude.
Thanks for showing up when you thought I couldn’t handle it.
I let my acknowledgment shine onto the depression. I felt it being received.
The depression relaxed. Softened.
Normally my other parts would hate on the depression, judging it and afraid of it ruining my life.
She’s meant to be successful and doing things!
She’s meant to be out there shining!
She’s meant to be beyond this stuff already!
Those ‘succeed!’ parts were calm.
This moment of appreciation and genuine fraternity felt so good.
It felt nice not be at war with myself.
This moment helped me again notice again how these parts (in me, in you) are trying to help:
The depression, the anxiety, the shyness, the lack of will to exercise, the addiction, the inertia, the compulsion to over-eat, the excessive scrolling…
There are no ‘bad’ parts, they are simply trying to protect you from something…
This is not an excuse for poor behaviour or mediocrity — this is a call for self-understanding.
What are these parts trying to protect you from?
If you are struggling with depression or something else that feels like it’s cramping your life, relationships or momentum, talk to me about 1:1 mindful-somatic sessions informed by Internal Family Systems (online).
P.S. How stylish is Darth?
