When you realise there’s something inside you that got knocked out of alignment, there can be an urge to put it back in place. Pronto.
Like the belief that you’re loveable as you are getting knocked into I need to do something or be someone to be loved.
That can have a big impact on how you show up in relationships, at the gym, the clothes you wear, when to speak up, the photos you choose for social media (or just don’t appear at all)…
It can look like people-pleasing, overgiving, or struggling to express your needs for fear of losing love, perfectionism, feeling you constantly need to prove your worth, hiding your opinions, feelings or boundaries…
And more.
And, naturally, when you start to realise that impact, parts of you can want to heal. Now.
Why?
So I can start being myself, actually exhale and get my life on track.
But there’s a key when it comes to healing parts of us that have been forced into these extreme ways of showing up.
It’s not just about noticing the ‘symptom’ and dealing with it. It’s important to understand what’s at the root of it.
Otherwise, you can end up perpetually dealing with symptoms.
And that’s not only tiring, there’s very likely a part of you that knows you’re meant for more than what’s happening now. That this is not it.
Imagine you get a splinter in your foot. It starts to swell so much that it’s hard to walk. You can manage the swelling and difficulty walking or you can get out the thing that's stuck in your foot, the thing that's causing the symptom.
It's a little like this with our mind and emotions, although what lies underneath our patterns can be more complex than a single splinter.
And sometimes, you might even know where the pattern comes from. You know about the childhood experiences, the beliefs you developed and why you keep responding in certain ways.
Yet, somehow, you're still doing it.
Because understanding something intellectually isn't necessarily the same as changing what's happening inside you.
If we’re experiencing anxiety, fear or shame, it can be important to understand what’s underneath those feelings.
If we’re experiencing sexual issues, relationship tensions or body image troubles, there may be something deeper that’s contributing to these patterns.
The source of many of our emotional patterns is often outside our conscious awareness.
It’s the inner wiring that was laid down, especially when we were young.
It’s possible there were some traumatic or overwhelming experiences later in life that also affected your inner wiring…
And the interesting thing is, what we experience today as a problem may have actually developed as a way to protect us.
The parts that are trying to help
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that different parts of us take on different roles, often in response to experiences that were too painful or overwhelming at the time.
For example, a part that believes I need to do something or be someone to be loved might work very hard to make sure you're attractive, successful, agreeable or always doing things right.
It might be the part that pushes you at the gym, criticises your appearance, or makes you say yes when you really want to say no.
And while these strategies can cause a lot of difficulty in your life, this part isn't necessarily trying to make your life difficult.
It may be protecting something much more vulnerable inside you.
Perhaps a younger part that came to believe it wasn't loveable as it was.
A part that carries the hurt, shame or loneliness of that experience.
So rather than just trying to get rid of the perfectionism or people-pleasing, we get curious about the parts that are doing it.
Why are they working so hard?
What are they afraid would happen if they stopped?
What are they protecting?
This is where we can begin to understand what's really happening inside us.
We don't have to fight our protective parts to heal.
In IFS, we develop a relationship with these protective parts, understand what they're afraid of and what they're protecting.
When there's enough trust and safety, we can begin to work with the vulnerable parts underneath, helping them release the beliefs, emotions and burdens they've been carrying.
And this can make a real difference to the patterns that have been keeping us stuck, even when we've spent years trying to change them.
If you’d like to go beyond managing the same patterns and begin working with the parts that are keeping them in place, find out about 1:IFS-informed 1:1 online sessions.
Book a 30-min discovery call here (FREE) to talk with me about it.
“If you feel like you’ve done 100 courses and therapies and been trying to meditate for years, this is different. IFS works at a different level. You can go super deep, super quickly, and super safely. And it's really gentle as well. I've recommended Caitlyn’s 1:1 sessions to everyone I know who's doing the work.”
— Katharine Williams, Leadership Consultant and Speaker, UK
